Team needed, one wanted

Yes, congratulations! you’ve managed to land a job as a full stack developer.

Typical skills needed for Full stack development:

  • Fixing all the things
  • Designing prototypes
  • Wireframing
  • UI/UX passes
  • Coding the php, css, html, JS, python, and whatever else is asked of you
  • Front end content creation
  • Image resizing / cropping
  • IT Consultancy
  • Research assistant
  • Database design / normalization
  • Systems analyst
  • Systems design
  • Operations manager
  • Email systems management
  • Server management
  • Server maintenance
  • WordPress creation / installation / management
  • Server / log monitoring
  • Disaster management
  • Backup management
  • DNS management / monitoring
  • Trello project management
  • Social media campaign & content specialist
  • Fixing more crap that’s gone awry
  • Maintain a positive and chirpy outlook on life
  • Fixing general PC/Mac issues
  • Web optimization wizardry
  • Creation of user accounts
  • Resetting user passwords
  • Making important lists of things required by others
  • Resetting user passwords again
  • Manage your crippling depression, and lack of sleep
  • Creation of user passwords on little post-it notes
  • Handling of the lost post-it notes tickets
  • Dealing with your bosses mum’s computer issues
  • Doing 40 gig asset uploads to a server with a nervous tick
  • More disaster management
  • Security consultant
  • Creating reports for positive ways forward
  • Realizing the only person seeing the issues, is yourself.
  • Find ways of cutting corners to be able to eat lunch in one go
  • Must also have 50m swimming badge
  • Must have at least 6 degrees in subjects that will never be used
  • If you can fly and/or have laser beam vision is a positive
  • Be prepared to work 16 hours a day, 24/7
  • Various API work to bulk process the 452,329 rows of data you were expected to manually process
  • At least 3-4 experience of SCRUM, delegating all the tasking to yourself
  • Buying various licenses to for time saving software that the business wouldn’t understand the use of.
  • To be able to brainstorm IP that is worth millions, integrate it into sub-par websites that have no route to market.
  • A basic understanding of businesses to a level of a Harvard graduate, to help deliver something useful to a client
  • Able to VPN your Netflix activity
  • Prioritize warm tea drinking over creating another WordPress instance.
  • Rather than create IP worth millions, fix someones PDF file.
  • Find time saving solutions, and watch zero agility stifle change.
  • Be able to edit videos, and other content
  • To know about codecs
  • Live in fear of new coding languages, and hope some intern doesn’t convince management that programming in [INSERT OBSCURE LANGUAGE] is a really great idea, because of some straw-man argument.
  • UI/UX Design skills
  • The ability to reverse engineer anyone’s code.
  • To live off crackers and cheese (5-6 years experience)

Think of all the money you’ll be making! Which is true, because you won’t have time to eat, or watch a film without your skype beeping at you every 2 minutes with some random request that could be fulfilled by a primary schooler.

Full stack development is a red flag. It’s a poor title for a company that doesn’t understand the need for a team in any shape or form. If they think that getting one body to do it all is the right way, they will need to be prepared for multiple disasters.

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